TV Series 1

The Mighty Boosh - (Radio/Stage intro)

Come with us now on a journey through time and space
To the world of The Mighty Boosh

The Mighty Boosh (Come with us to the Mighty Boosh)
The Mighty Boosh (Come with us to the Mighty Boosh)
The Mighty Boosh (Come with us to the Mighty Boosh)
The Mighty Boosh (Come with us to the Mighty Boosh)

The Mighty Boosh - (Stage outro)

Move it around
Like a chess piece
Squash it up like a musslewitch
Kick it in the eye like a tiny little sizzlebeast
Come prepared
Mix it up
Toucan style

Venido con nosotros um bongo
Venido con nosotros um Mighty Boosh

Feel the bracken
Isolate the crisps
Chew it open like a cuttlefish
Roll around France in a tiny yellow suit
Crying to the floppy ladder
Bigger than your mind
The tree
The goose
The monkey hair

The Mighty Boosh - (Radio outro)

Come with us to the Mighty Boosh... (The Mighty Boosh)
Come with us to the Mighty Boosh
Come with us to the Mighty Boosh... (The Mighty Boosh)
Come with us to the Mighty Boosh

The Boosh Is On Its Way - (Arctic Boosh - Stage)

Hey hey the Boosh is on it's way
It's comin' at ya like a ray, like a beam like a laser
like a Monkey on a tractor ploughing on the furrows of your head farm
Hey hey the Boosh is on it's way
It's comin' at ya like a ray, like a beam like a laser like a lick,
like a licky licky sheep's tongue

My frozen face, face feel my face, feel my tiny wooden face.

Ohh it's comin' at ya like a ray, like a beam like a laser
like a spider with a crash mat on his back look around ya

You've gotta roll around France in a yellow suit,
Crying to the man in the see through boot,
Fold up the room
Talk to the moon give all your money to an ape man
AAAAAAHHH!

I Am The Head - (Arctic Boosh - Stage)

I'm am the head,
Back from the dead,
Revivified and Electrified,
New and Improved and Reduced and Respected
By the mutant race I'll never be corrected

Check him out.
They call him the mutant shrew.
Sing it mutant boy.

I'm the mutant boy I make the elephant man look pretty
With lumps on his face
He feels no disgrace
But I'm raw, exposed to the elements

But you're irrelevant
'Cos I am the head and I'm back from the dead!

He ain't got no body

I don't need no body 'cos I am the head!

He can't go upstairs
Except for repairs

Shut up mutant face!
I am the head, I know everything of the past - I have been there, Ask me a question...

Do you like fudge?

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Smoothie Time - (The Mighty Boosh - Stage)
Julian: Take a banana and an apple and a peach
Noel: Aaaand a mango
Julian: Its smoothie time, its smoothie timeÖ.

Deer Song - (The Mighty Boosh - Stage)
Bold lyrics show where stage version differs from radio version below

Hello little deer come home and play
Hello little deer come home and stay
Hello little deer come home and play with me me me me

Hello little deer I know this is wrong
Now it's dark and the people have gone
I might try and trick you into gettin gin the boot of my car car car car

Put on these corduroy slacks for me
You'll look better in these shorts I've ordered you'll see
I'll integrate you into my society ty ty ty

Now little deer you're alone with me
Let's hope it's only sexually
I can't get involved with you emotionally ly ly ly

Now that you're not a little baby deer
Now that you've grown up all big and queer
Get out of my forest you stinking dirty whore

Hello Little Deer - (Radio - show 1)

Hello little deer come home and play
Hello little deer come home and stay
Hello little deer come home and play with me me me me

Hello deer I know this is wrong
Now itís dark and the people have gone
I must try and trick you into getting in the boot of my car car car car

[Evil Laughter]

Put on these corduroy slacks for me
Youíll look better in the shorts Iíve ordered youíll see
Iíll integrate you in my society ty ty ty
Now little deer you're alone with me
Lets hope itís only sexually
I cant get involved with you emotionally ly ly ly

Now that youíre not a little baby deer
Now that youíve grown up brutish and queer
Get into my boot you stinking dirty whore whore whore whore

Get in my boot, in you go, oh yes
[evil laughter]

Sung by The Phantom

Calm a Llama Down - (Radio - Show 1)

Calm a llama down
Calm a llama deep down
In the ocean blue
Like a barnacle
Sitting in the tight place
Laughing at the monkey arm
Pulling like a china boy

Kara-way
Kara-way
Kara-way noise

Boing si ka semala
Boing si ka semala

Blue Pants - (Radio - show 1)

I got blue pants, little baby blue pants
I've got blue pants yes I do
Bob Fossil: "Oh somebody shoot me.. please... I, what are you laughing at...? I used to run this zoo"
I've got blue pants, really little blue pants
And I hate myself

Alabaster Moon - (Radio - show 2)

Tony Ice: You know sometimes when you get upset or the world ainít treating you right...what I do is I look on up at the sky, look on up at old Mr Moon. He donít worry, he just keep on shining down.

Bob Fossil: Who the freak are you?

They call me Tony Ice and Iím a travelling hobo
Oh yeah...
I never worry
I never care
Just look on up you know heís there
Let me hear ya

Alabaster Moon wonít you shine your milky beams down on me
Hit me with the milky ray
Alabaster Moon wonít you shine your milky beams down on me
Zap me with the creamy laser

Bruno Mindhorn - (Radio - show 3)

My name is Mindhorn, backwards forwards sideways
I'm in love with a woman, she's got no eyes
I found her drawing cows near Bruge
I dont know her name I call her mrs china
She were a coiffeure but it ended in bloodshed
Now she lives in a glass case in the town hall in Ghent
And every three years on a Tuesday I dust her
My name is Mindhorn...

Are We To Be Married On The Morrow? - (Radio - show 3)

Are we to be married on the morrow my child or will I always be alone?
Are we to be together forever and a day or will life always be this way?

Because I dreamed of a hedge
Where you laid your head
The grass was red
The seagull screamed
What can it mean?
Was it just a dream?
Am I too obscene for your eyes?

Are we to be married on the morrow my child?
Or will life always be this way?
Or will life always be this way
Sing it now
Or will life always be this way?
Sing ony...

Can I ever love?
Will I ever touch?
Can I ever see?
Can I ever dream?
Will I ever be?
Can I ever find what I need?

I can't see I can't breathe
Yeah
Iím spiralling down infinity
Oh look what you did
You came into my wood
With your tiny little eyes and your hair made of wool

Now itís over (wooh)
Now I loved you and oh how I needed you
Oh lying down on the floor
Like a crispy noodle cup boy (yeah)
Dreaming that you were once the child of a wolf
With your paper arms and wrists
I worshipped you
I needed you
With your see-through scorpion underbelly
And your tiny little claws
Hammering away at the pigeons eyebrow
Climbing up your head as if were an elaborate childís climbing frame

Oh, ladders to the moon
With your cardboard page three paisley silver eyes
(Sing it now, sing it now, sing it now) [repeat]
And value of your structured silhouette
Creeping around you like a chinese cadbury wolf

Itís over
I hate you
Itís over (oh yeah)

Monkey Stole My face - (Radio - show 3)

Monkey stole my face
Took me down to another place
Now Iím leader of their race
Iím a monkey king
Iím a monkey king
Iím a tiny little monkey
Iím a tiny little monkey king

As I wandered through the jungles of India
All the monkey folk they came to me
And they looked up and they said
Vince noir - rock and roll star, we need your face
Why, why do you want my face?
Because its only then can we truly lead with a human face
And yours is the one we want
Give us it

Monkey stole my face
Took me down to another place
Now Iím leader if their race

Iím a monkey king
Iím a monkey king
Leader of the apes
Stole my face
Yeah

Sung by Vince Noir and his band "Christ x4"

DJ Peanuts ft Mr. Rogers - (Radio - show 4)

This one be going out to everyone in the reptile house
DJ Peanuts and the cobra massive
Shed your skin
Give it up now
Give it up now, give it up now

They call me Mr Rogers the drum and bass cobra
Iím dropping the brakes cos Iím
Iím king of the jungle snakes

Shifty

The Mutant People - (Radio - show 4)

We are the mutant race
(Donít look at my eyes donít look at my face)
We are the mutant people
(Donít look at my eyes donít look at my face)

[Repeat]

Body of a wolf
Legs of a horse
Eyes of a priest
Mind of a wasp
Hair of a chimp
Postmanís shins
Claws of a crab and a buffalo anus

We are the mutant people see our strange horns
We are the mutant people never ask any more

Blackbirdís head on a ravenís torso
Howard: 'You canít really tell with that one'
Vince: 'Itís a subtle one'
Howard: 'Right'

We are the mutant race
Weíre brick-a-brack mammals
We are the mutant people
Weíre patchwork outcasts

We are the mutant race, weíre brick-a-brack mammals
(Donít look at my eyes donít look at my face)

We are the mutant people, weíre patchwork outcasts
(Donít look at my eyes donít look at my face)

We are the mutant race
Monkeyís face with a cockerel hairdo
We are the mutant people
Spiderís minge and a stickleback bald bat

Arctic Boosh - (Arctic Boosh Stage Intro/Radio - show 5)

And so our journey begins
To the wilderness where the wolf is king
And the whip crack and the huskies back sets you loose
To the Mighty Boosh

Arctic Boosh - (Arctic Boosh Outro)

And so our journey is done
Back to the world where the staple gun is quick
And every stamp that you lick sets you loose
To the Mighty Boosh

Musical Form of Howard's Suicide - (Radio - show 5)

Vince
Howard Moon why did you kill yourself?
He had so much to live for, so much to live for
Aaaaaah, aaaah!

Vince
Shoot your face off - shoot it off

Howard
Oh, he disappeared into the whiteness
Mmm, to the veil
Mmm, where did he go, like a hero...

Ice flow (Tundra) - (Radio - show 5)

Its the nothing-ness
The whiteness
The endless-ness
Stretching on beyond human imagination
Desolation of the soul
OH MY GOD

Ice flow - nowhere to go
Ice flow - nowhere to go
Lost in the blinding whiteness of the tundra

Whiteness
Nothingness
Endlessness
Death

The whiteness of the whale pales in comparison
Oh my god - who the hell are you?

Iím little Johnny Frostbite
Moving around
Freeziní you up freezing you down
Like an icicle
Coming in your tent in the pink light scissor bite
Arctic death
Infinite night

They call me tundra boy
Because I move like an arctic - lizzard
When the Blizzard strikes I disappear like a pipedream
All thatís left is the gleam - on a tent peg

Boosh Boosh - stronger than a moose
Donít lock your door or weíll come through your roof - top
Stop look around take your mind off the floor
Because the Boosh is loose and weíre a little bit raw!

Ice, flow, nowhere to go
Ice, flow, nowhere to go
Lost in the blinding whiteness of the tundra

Trapped In A Box - (Radio - show 6)

Trapped in a box by a cockney nutjob
Have a cup of tea...have a cup of tea
Iím the hitcher
Let me put you in the picture
Creeping in your room in the dead of night
With me solo polo vision

Iím a cockney geezer...watch me bleed ya
Iíll do the ripper, when he watches you nip her
I taught him how to slice
I cut him up a treat

Pound your banana (two pound your pear)
Pound your banana (two pound your pear)
Pound your banana (two pound your pear)
Cor me shivers with your melons...oh yeah

Coming in strong like a freakshow nightmare
Dancing skeletons - white, blue and yella ëuns
Moving through the shadows with the speed of a cat
And if you cross us weíll cut ya
And you ainít gonna like that...

Iím bad juju
I use voodoo if I choose to
I harness the forces of evil to abuse you
With power, a bellow, an evil magnet
Sucking up your soul
And you ainít gonna like that.

Is it Written?

Is it written that a man should die for a dream?
Is it written that a man should die for nothing?
Is it deadÖ is it writtenÖ that a man must dieeeeeeeee

Bob Fossil - (Radio - show 6)

Iím Bob Fossil and my anger is colossal
If you get in my way then you will have to pay...the price
Which is not nice
Iíll slice you and dice you - up
And feed your liver to a parakeet
Sing it

Bob Fossil he no smile give him inch he take a mile
(Tell ëem all about me)
Bob Fossil king of Zoo (you know) get his way he come for you

My name's Bob, Iím ba ba ba ba-ba ba-ba Iím a sheep
Iím the king
Iím gonna fossil you up
You know my name

Bob Fossil he no smile, give him inch he take a mile
I smile sometimes... when I'm getting you
Bob Fossil king of Zoo, get his way he come for you
*The* zoo

Iím Bob Fossil
If you donít know my name then youíre lame
Shit that was bad...can we go again?
That was no good
Cut the music
Come on
Is anybody listening to me?

[Bob Fossil he no smile....]

What are you guys singing for?
Shut up
You suckballs
Is anyone listening to me?
Iím gonna get you
[Bob fossil... Bob fossil]
You know Iím gonna F you up
That F stands for Fossil
Yeah [here he comes now]
Youíll be fossilised
Theyíll dig you up and have to carbon date your ass!

[Bob Fossil he no smile....]

I'm the king, feel my kilometers
[Bob Fossil king of zoo]
Iím king of *the* zoo not king of zoo!
[Look at him coming, coming down...]
ZOO! Iím gonna go zoo on you!
[Bobby bobby zoom zoom]
Iím gonna put a Z, Z, on your zoo head!
[Here he comes now... Bobby zoo...]

Bob Fossil he no smile, give him inch he take a mile
Bob Fossil king of Zoo, get his way he come for you
Bob Fossil he no smile, give him inch he take a mile
Bob Fossil king of Zoo, get his way he come for you
Bob Fossil he no smile, give him inch he take a mile
Bob Fossil king of Zoo, get his way he come for you [repeat to fade]

Yeah Are you listening to me...out there?
Cause I know some day youíre gonna run into me

Cream Poem - (TV - "Killeroo")

Oh sweet lady with your face like a cream oval
And your nose like a delicious slope of cream
And your ears like cream flaps
And your teeth like hard shiny pegs of creamÖ

Freak - (TV - "Killeroo")

Disfigured and alone
Crawling in the shadows
Must I live like a freak?
Deformed useless and embarrassed
FreakÖ freakÖ

We Are The Mutant Race - (TV - "Mutants")

We are the mutant race
(Don't look at my eyes don't look at my face)
We are the mutant people
(Don't look at my eyes don't look at my face)

(Musical break with Tom Jones "Hurgh"s & dancing)
I'm not a man, I'm a mutant
And even if you try, you know that you cant
Stop me with your human skills
Cos I've got nine feet and gills
And I can breathe underwater
and I can swing from a tree
An di can do what I wanna
And I wanna be freeÖ yeah

We are the mutant race
(Don't look at my eyes don't look at my face)
We are the mutant people
(Don't look at my eyes don't look at my face)

We are the mutant race
(You don't look alike me, I don't look a like you)
We are the mutant people
(We're gonna march ourselves right out of this zoo)

Bollo Feels Better - (TV - "Bollo")

The sun is shining and you're feeling fine
and the birds are singing in the trees...

Ape Of Death - (TV - "Bollo")

Hit it!

I'm the ape of the death and I don't care
Cos I'm the monkey with the loverly hair
Its all fluffy and shiny too
Cos I got that miracle wax from Naboo

Don't be cynical it's a follicle miracle
I said don't be cynical I get waxing lyrical

He's the ape of the death and he don't care
Cos he's the monkey with the loverly hair
Its all fluffy and shiny too
Cos he got that miracle wax from naboo. boo!

Come on now. oo oo oo oo ha ha ha ha yeah!
(1-2-3-4 Get on the monkey floor?)

[Guitar solo]

Walk around my monkey hair
You can touch it I don't care
Used to be that I was ashamed
But now that monkey fluff is tamed

Come on everybody and walk around my hair

Don't be cynical it's a follicle miracle
I said don't be cynical I get waxing lyrical
Oo oo oo oo ha ha ha ha yeah!