"Cress, cress. Lovely, lovely cress"

Bill Hicks: “If you do an advert then you are off the artistic register forever and every word that comes out of your mouth is like a turd falling in to my drink.”

Over the years, many comedians have succumbed to the bright lights and easy money of the advertiser. From Dudley Moore and Peter Cook’s appearances in Guinness ads, to Alan Davies advertising whatever building society it is, comedians have been at the front of advertising campaigns for years. However, many people see this is a sign of selling out, compromising their artistic integrity, or at the very least betraying the faith their public.

At the height of their fame, Baddiel and Newman could have charged any amount they wanted to the hoards of advertising executives anxiously nipping round their ankles. But, like many acts from their management stable, they turned their backs on the money.

Perrier nominee and BBC darling Simon Munnery has gone on record as being “virulently against advertising.” Given the choice of absolutely anything, what would he advertise? “My own show. My own show, and the word of God, that’s about the only thing.” Lee and Herring have never made any secret about their disdain for advertising and those involved in it, and made it in to a running joke in their last TMWNRJ series, with Rich advertising everything from Lotto tickets to Cress, while Stew looks on in disdain – “Rich, how can you do an advert? It’s immoral and offensive to anyone who respects our unique brand of faux-naďve childish scatology and self-satisfied smug intellectualism.”

“You know, I used to be like you Stew. If someone offered me cress I looked at them as if they were nutty. But then I tried some cress and you know, it refreshes the parts other cruciferous plants can’t reach.”

However, if one performer above all others has made it relatively acceptable for comedians to advertise, that would have to be John Cleese. Over the years, Cleese has appeared in ads for almost everything on the planet, from high profile Sony campaigns to Norwegian mayonnaise. Advertising has become such a large part of his career that his unofficial biography, ‘Cleese Encounters’ by Jonathon Margolis, dedicates a full chapter to it. “I’ve always had a vulgar commercial streak in me,” he has explained, “and I discovered that the scale of remuneration in advertising was quite insane. When I realised it was insane, I decided I would accept it as it was.”

If ten minutes out of every hour on terrestrial television channels must, rightly or wrongly, given over to advertising, then there is something to be said for injecting some quality in to the adverts shown. By lending their talents to the advertising clichés, some performers have even managed to lift the ad breaks out of the mediocrity they usually idle in. In Channel 4’s recent Top 100 Adverts of all time, the adverts featuring comedians and comic performers featured highly.

“At 29 pence a punnet, cress isn’t a stress on my pocket either.”

With the help of a few dancing penguins, a lady bird costume and a widget, Jack Dee made this year’s Sunday Times Rich List, and managed to become part of broadcasting history. With his advertisements for John Smith’s Bitter, Dee fronted the award-winning campaign that made his name and also bought him is South London home. With the money in the bank, and his advertising days far behind him, last month he came out and said that he lied about liking the beer to pick up the Ł500,000 fee. He was quoted as saying that it had no character, no body and was “watery”. He has previously addressed this moral conundrum in his live show: “ ‘If you say this beer’s good, we’ll give you a million pounds.’ Yes, all right.” A Scottish Courage spokesman reacted by saying “I don’t think he will be getting many offers from other advertisers after this.” Which is something, post Big Brother, that is unlikely to bother Dee much.

“Mmmmm, thank Cress it’s Sunday. Cress is the snack I can eat between meals without ruining my appetite.”

Things can, of course, go very horrible wrong as well. For every Jack Dee, there’s a Griff Rhys-Jones. For the past two years we have, rightly or wrongly, been exposed to a series of Vauxhall ads featuring Rhys-Jones cavorting around in blue pants and a false beard. This same series of ads were named worst television ad of the year in 2000 by Campaign magazine. Sales in Vauxhall slumped by 13 per cent in the two years the ad campaign has been running, and Rhys-Jones was dropped by the company last month, with a year still left on his Ł600,000-a-year contract. He has struck back at his critics, telling the Daily Express “I don’t know if you know, but I’ve got a lot of money. I made a lot last year through Talkback so I don’t need to do it for the cash.” With a rumoured Ł20 million pocketed by Rhys-Jones and his partner Mel Smith for the sale of the television company, it’s not entirely clear why he felt the need to inflict these ads upon us.

But his shame is, of course, as nothing compared the partner Smith’s shame over the Visa Delta Card fiasco from 1996. Shares plummeted, children screamed in fear and a nation cringed every time the ads were broadcast. The travesty was soon put to a thankful stop, but the damage had already been done. Smith, who had previously been fairly prominent in the ad breaks enjoyed by the British public up until that point, was suddenly conspicuous with his absence.

“Cress. The taste of a new generation.”

There is a subtle but significant difference between appearing in adverts on the strength of your personality, and appearing in relative anonymity, as an actor. The dulcet tones of Voice Over Kings Angus Deayton, Hugh Dennis, Vic Reeves (“Oh yes”) and Peter Seraphinowicz can regularly be heard decorating the soundtracks and doling out the tag lines. Many up and coming comedians use their stage school background to earn money in advert appearances to fund their first forays in to stand up. Up and coming comedy due Oram and Meeten have appeared in umpteen ads between them, with everything from Flora margarine to the TV Licence Board. They make no apologies for their decision. “At the end of the day, you’re making so little money and you’re offered these massive fees that would sort you out for a year, and pay for Edinburgh and stuff. It makes them very hard to turn down. It’s just shit going to commercial castings things, it’s just terrible. But at the end of the day, it’s just paying for what we really want to do.”

“Mmmm, cress. Have you forgotten how good it tastes?”

And at the end of the day, is doing an advert so damaging for your career? Julian “Judder” Barratt has compared his experience of appearing in the Metz advert as a ‘freelance scientist’ to having his soul sucked out through his eyes. It hasn’t done him any harm though, as he went on with partner Noel Fielding to become the darlings of the festival circuit. Peter “Too Gorgeous” Baynham certainly hasn’t suffered from his Pot Noodle days, and Paul Merton hasn’t put a foot wrong since his Imperial Leather days. That said, no one will ever be able to satisfactorily explain the reasons why the sight of a naked Dominic Holland were supposed to help the sales of T&T Citrus Cocktail.